January 23, 2023
For a moment, I was mad at my body. I had my maternity clothes from my first pregnancy thrown on the bed and I was in the process of figuring out what fit , comfortably and flattering and boy was I frustrated.
I was 180lbs when I gave birth to our daughter in 2021. When I became pregnant with baby number 2, I was down to 155. So why on Earth did these clothes; bottoms specifically, not fit. Maternity jeans, shorts and bathing suits were now so uncomfortable and tight in weird places. Yet at 180lbs…these clothes FIT and fit well and were flattering. Now at 163lbs (yes, in 20 weeks I only gained 7lbs!) they were just not the right size.
So I stood there, looking in the full-length mirror while wearing a pair of maternity shorts and the frustration steamed out of me. I looked at my body and thought, “how could you do this to me?”, “how did this happen?” “Where did this ‘weight’ come from?”
And I wasn’t mad at being pregnant.
I wasn’t mad because my body was healthy and grew healthy humans.
I was mad at my body because it had changed.
While it grew a tiny, healthy, human.
I was mad because I was now inconvenienced and back at square one of buying new bottoms. And that task takes time, money and a patience I didn’t quite have in this moment of time.
It’s been a couple days since this happened and part of me still feels a little bitter; like my maternity bottoms betrayed me. And I know, obviously, they didn’t- they are clothes. I sound ridiculous.
But you know me, I think on things and when I thought about the whole event a little more, some part of me expected my body to grow and change the same way it did when I was pregnant with our daughter.
And this thought made me feel like I was the one who betrayed my body.
Because how could it be the same? How could the body who kept our daughter safe, snug, fed, growing not change in the last two years? After everything I have put it through.
Carrying our baby.
Delivering our baby.
Breastfeeding our baby.
Holding, snuggling, bathing, playing with our baby.
Celebrating our baby as she became a toddler.
Exercising and taking care of my body while doing all of this.
Providing for, working and supporting our family while doing all of this.
How could this incredible, healthy body be the same as it was in 2021?
And the thought of how mad I became over my body made me emotional because my mind and my angry emotions betrayed everything my body had done for the last two years.
And for what- a slight inconvenience at starting over.
So I did what I could- I ordered new clothes and we’ll see how they fit when they are delivered.
Fingers crossed. And if they don’t fit, then we keep trying.
They are clothes. It is not life or death. It is not an emergency and no one is in danger.
My reaction was completely disproportionate to the situation and yet, it’s how I felt. Real and raw in this event.
Keep ya posted mamas with this silly maternity clothing journey I am on right now.
a fingers crossed kinda mama